The urge to just lose all control is so strong right now. I feel like just barricading myself in the kitchen (not much need though considering everyone’s asleep) and drinking everything and anything that’s under the sink.
I’m in the kind of mood where the thought of pain doesn’t bother me. In fact I’d probably welcome it, I feel way too numb.
Urgh, it’d be so easy.
I may be gone but my absolute love for the two of you will live on. I’m certain you’ll be able to feel it when the air is still.
I just found out that I’m not half bad at realistic drawing.
Okay, so that’s me spending tens of hours doing a portrait of Loki from an Avengers screenshot then.
Art has saved me from pain and taking my life so many times in the past. I guess it might give me something to concentrate on again right now instead of ripping myself apart, watching myself bleed, crying my eyes out or even worse.
The question is whether it’ll be enough this time and unfortunately I don’t know the answer to that question.
I sense trying something ‘stupid’ coming up. Feeling major rejection and shit right now. Oh god.
I don’t know what to do.
My head’s full of shit and my mind won’t stop racing. :(
Please, someone help.
I’m not going to post any more ‘okay this is it, I’m going to die.’ text posts or whatever. I realise now that it’s pointless and repetitive, I’m even annoying myself with it.
I’m not going to tell anyone any more. I’ll just disappear one day and that’ll be it.
Fuck. My brain won’t shut up, I keep getting all these images, memories and weird slide shows of things, some of them are real and some of them never happened. It won’t stop! I don’t know how to try and make it stop either, the only thing that works any more is sleep and I’m doing that less and less these days. And even then my dreams are very often memories and.. faces that it hurts to see.
I can’t handle hearing my own voice in my head all day any more, constantly criticising and reminding me. My parents went out earlier and I was reduced to screaming ‘shut up!’ at myself over and over to try and distract myself or drown it out but even that didn’t work.
I keep finding these lumps all over myself lately, they seem like insect bites but a lot larger. I’ve found six now, in totally different areas of my anatomy. Every time I find one the first thoughts that run through my head are ‘Oh I hope it’s a tumour. I hope it’s cancer. I hope it’s some horrible terminal illness.’ I feel bad for thinking it but it just pops in there.. and I know it’s honestly what I feel.
Every day I pray for something bad to happen to me, I walked by a car that pulled over ahead of me after it passed me on an empty country lane the other day with no fear or suspicion in me, just the hope that I’d feel someone grab me and pull me in.
Every night I pray and cry and beg that I won’t wake up, that I’ll just mysteriously slip away.
I know it’s horrible but it’s true.
I can’t handle it. It’s too much and I’m too much of a wreck, too broken.
This is going to kill me, I know it is.
I can feel shit getting out of control again and I know it’s just a matter of time before I attempt again.
Stole some Naproxen that my friend was throwing away. Didn’t even think about it.. just slipped it into my bag.
That and too much alcohol will probably not be a nice mix but hey, who gives a shit right now?
Not meeeeeeeeee! :D
This is easier to do than I anticipated, easier than last time I tried.
Good, I’m glad. :)
Pretty much one day done already.
Keep it up, keep it up, keep it up.
I notice that my little ‘anon’ person has made an exit too. Not exactly a shock -_-.
The end starts here.
I was right, miracles don’t happen.
I’ve decided to give myself one more ‘normal’ day.
After that, on Monday, it’s self destruction set to full throttle.
No eating, no drinking, doing anything and everything to just cause as much harm to myself as possible.
I don’t have a reason to keep me here any more, I don’t have a battle to fight, I’m not happy, I lost my chance at that.. so I might as well get on with putting an end to it.
‘Anon’, if there’s anything else you wish to say to me then say it today. Or anyone else for that matter. After today is done I swear to god I won’t be listening any more.
I’ve never actually cut my wrist before, I don’t know if anyone’s ever noticed that. I always felt like I wanted to keep it clean in case the time ever came to cut there.
I hate cutting over existing cuts, so yeah.
That time to cut there has finally come. I want to see what it does and how much more painful it is.
If I go too far?
Well c’est la vie.