It’s like.. a few hours ago I was considering going on a date with someone, actually risking myself to see if happiness exists elsewhere.
Now I’m just realising that no one will accept what I am. That I will be walked over and have my kindness and love taken advantage of by anyone who gets a chance. I know that I’ll never have the chance for a normal life, I’ll never have a family, get married, go on holidays, make memories, build up a lovely photo album. I know I’m not meant for that any more because I’m not good enough. The things I’ve been through in the past and especially recently have taught me that.
Tell me.. if I can love someone with my whole soul, promise to give them everything, do anything I can, try my damn hardest, go against my parents and behind their back for him, lie for him, stick up for him, swear on my life to always be there for him no matter the time of day.. if I can do all that and then he chooses to suddenly ignore me without a single reason or word.. what does that make me? Better yet, if I can tell him the heartbreaking news that I lost his unborn child and that I need him right now.. and he still doesn’t care enough to answer me.. what the hell does that make me?
How does that make me special? How does that make me worthwhile?
It doesn’t. It proves to me that I’m what I’ve suspected I was for a long time. Nothing. That I’m not worth it. That me, my feelings, my heart and my love are utterly disposable.
And people wonder why I sit here and why I’ve started destroying my arm again, why I cry before I go to sleep, why I desperately do ANYTHING to distract myself from thinking because it’s dangerous for me to do so. Why I sleep so much, why I don’t eat. That is why. Because every time things start getting ‘better’ or look like they might be worked out I’m proved right and the thought is only solidified more and more in my mind.
This goes to him: You know what’s fucking sad? I may have been a little clingy, only because I didn’t know what was going on and I wanted to know you’re safe. I may have been a little closed off, I may have held back because I didn’t want to let my guard down and because I was scared of this happening again. I may have been many things but you can never say that I wouldn’t do ANYTHINGand EVERYTHING for you. Never. You can never say that I don’t love you.
By all rights I should fucking hate you, I should curse the day you were born. I should feel that you don’t deserve to know me.. but instead it’s the other way round. I feel like I do everything wrong, that I am to blame ALWAYS.
But you know the saddest part? I will always love you no matter what and you will never care.
I have no idea if I should listen to you.
The last thing I need or want is to get hurt or played.
Do I try and move on from this by taking a blind leap of faith or do I just stay as I am? Waiting endlessly and sticking to what I said because I know, deep down, that I won’t be happy?
I don’t know what I want..
I sense trying something ‘stupid’ coming up. Feeling major rejection and shit right now. Oh god.
Fuck. My brain won’t shut up, I keep getting all these images, memories and weird slide shows of things, some of them are real and some of them never happened. It won’t stop! I don’t know how to try and make it stop either, the only thing that works any more is sleep and I’m doing that less and less these days. And even then my dreams are very often memories and.. faces that it hurts to see.
I can’t handle hearing my own voice in my head all day any more, constantly criticising and reminding me. My parents went out earlier and I was reduced to screaming ‘shut up!’ at myself over and over to try and distract myself or drown it out but even that didn’t work.
I keep finding these lumps all over myself lately, they seem like insect bites but a lot larger. I’ve found six now, in totally different areas of my anatomy. Every time I find one the first thoughts that run through my head are ‘Oh I hope it’s a tumour. I hope it’s cancer. I hope it’s some horrible terminal illness.’ I feel bad for thinking it but it just pops in there.. and I know it’s honestly what I feel.
Every day I pray for something bad to happen to me, I walked by a car that pulled over ahead of me after it passed me on an empty country lane the other day with no fear or suspicion in me, just the hope that I’d feel someone grab me and pull me in.
Every night I pray and cry and beg that I won’t wake up, that I’ll just mysteriously slip away.
I know it’s horrible but it’s true.
I can’t handle it. It’s too much and I’m too much of a wreck, too broken.
This is going to kill me, I know it is.
“Should have done something but I’ve done it enough.
By the way, my hands were shaking.. “
I’ve decided to give myself one more ‘normal’ day.
After that, on Monday, it’s self destruction set to full throttle.
No eating, no drinking, doing anything and everything to just cause as much harm to myself as possible.
I don’t have a reason to keep me here any more, I don’t have a battle to fight, I’m not happy, I lost my chance at that.. so I might as well get on with putting an end to it.
‘Anon’, if there’s anything else you wish to say to me then say it today. Or anyone else for that matter. After today is done I swear to god I won’t be listening any more.
You can’t save me like this, you were the one that did all this damage. I would have been okay otherwise. I would have made it and gotten through.
It’s your fault. It’s your fault. It’s your fault.
I’m losing it, so fucking losing it.
I just want to be finished, out of this mess, done, dead.
Why is that so hard to understand and accept.
I just.. don’t want to breathe or exist any more. :’(
I’ve got to try again. The more I try the more chance I have of it working.
I’m bound to do the right amount of damage sooner or later right?
I know who you are okay.. it’s really quite obvious. You should have disguised it better if your aim was to fool me.
Nothing’s going to change though is it? Things are never going to be how they were are they?
So please.. just stop. Let me do what I think is right. Everyone else involved is doing their interpretation of what they think that is.. so just let me do mine.
No one’s going to lose. Even if I were to carry on being here I’d be the only one missing out, everyone else is getting what they want and what they asked for.
I’m the one that’s been destroyed by all of this.
Don’t make me live like that because I really don’t want to.
If it really can’t change then.. please, just stop. :’(
As of late I’ve been against the idea of leaving notes but I’ve decided that I’m going to. Only for my family though, to tell them that it wasn’t their fault at all and to briefly explain what made me feel the way I do. It won’t be long, a couple of pages at most.
They’ve been through so much shit because of me so they deserve to know it wasn’t because of them.
Okay, I went back through my history and added as many people as I could find/recognize.
Please, if you recognise my url: so-easily , then please follow me again.
It broke my heart that I lost all my lovely followers and I’d very much like to have them back. :(