Fuck. My brain won’t shut up, I keep getting all these images, memories and weird slide shows of things, some of them are real and some of them never happened. It won’t stop! I don’t know how to try and make it stop either, the only thing that works any more is sleep and I’m doing that less and less these days. And even then my dreams are very often memories and.. faces that it hurts to see.
I can’t handle hearing my own voice in my head all day any more, constantly criticising and reminding me. My parents went out earlier and I was reduced to screaming ‘shut up!’ at myself over and over to try and distract myself or drown it out but even that didn’t work.
I keep finding these lumps all over myself lately, they seem like insect bites but a lot larger. I’ve found six now, in totally different areas of my anatomy. Every time I find one the first thoughts that run through my head are ‘Oh I hope it’s a tumour. I hope it’s cancer. I hope it’s some horrible terminal illness.’ I feel bad for thinking it but it just pops in there.. and I know it’s honestly what I feel.
Every day I pray for something bad to happen to me, I walked by a car that pulled over ahead of me after it passed me on an empty country lane the other day with no fear or suspicion in me, just the hope that I’d feel someone grab me and pull me in.
Every night I pray and cry and beg that I won’t wake up, that I’ll just mysteriously slip away.
I know it’s horrible but it’s true.
I can’t handle it. It’s too much and I’m too much of a wreck, too broken.
This is going to kill me, I know it is.
