I don’t know what to do.
My head’s full of shit and my mind won’t stop racing. :(
Please, someone help.
I’m not going to post any more ‘okay this is it, I’m going to die.’ text posts or whatever. I realise now that it’s pointless and repetitive, I’m even annoying myself with it.
I’m not going to tell anyone any more. I’ll just disappear one day and that’ll be it.
Fuck. My brain won’t shut up, I keep getting all these images, memories and weird slide shows of things, some of them are real and some of them never happened. It won’t stop! I don’t know how to try and make it stop either, the only thing that works any more is sleep and I’m doing that less and less these days. And even then my dreams are very often memories and.. faces that it hurts to see.
I can’t handle hearing my own voice in my head all day any more, constantly criticising and reminding me. My parents went out earlier and I was reduced to screaming ‘shut up!’ at myself over and over to try and distract myself or drown it out but even that didn’t work.
I keep finding these lumps all over myself lately, they seem like insect bites but a lot larger. I’ve found six now, in totally different areas of my anatomy. Every time I find one the first thoughts that run through my head are ‘Oh I hope it’s a tumour. I hope it’s cancer. I hope it’s some horrible terminal illness.’ I feel bad for thinking it but it just pops in there.. and I know it’s honestly what I feel.
Every day I pray for something bad to happen to me, I walked by a car that pulled over ahead of me after it passed me on an empty country lane the other day with no fear or suspicion in me, just the hope that I’d feel someone grab me and pull me in.
Every night I pray and cry and beg that I won’t wake up, that I’ll just mysteriously slip away.
I know it’s horrible but it’s true.
I can’t handle it. It’s too much and I’m too much of a wreck, too broken.
This is going to kill me, I know it is.
I can feel shit getting out of control again and I know it’s just a matter of time before I attempt again.
The end starts here.
I was right, miracles don’t happen.
I’ve decided to give myself one more ‘normal’ day.
After that, on Monday, it’s self destruction set to full throttle.
No eating, no drinking, doing anything and everything to just cause as much harm to myself as possible.
I don’t have a reason to keep me here any more, I don’t have a battle to fight, I’m not happy, I lost my chance at that.. so I might as well get on with putting an end to it.
‘Anon’, if there’s anything else you wish to say to me then say it today. Or anyone else for that matter. After today is done I swear to god I won’t be listening any more.
Damage so far tonight. I’m sure there’ll be more considering there’s still atleast 4 hours before I force myself to go to sleep.
Thanks ‘anon’, your words were running through my head for hours.
You can’t save me like this, you were the one that did all this damage. I would have been okay otherwise. I would have made it and gotten through.
It’s your fault. It’s your fault. It’s your fault.
I’m losing it, so fucking losing it.
I just want to be finished, out of this mess, done, dead.
Why is that so hard to understand and accept.
I just.. don’t want to breathe or exist any more. :’(
I’ve got to try again. The more I try the more chance I have of it working.
I’m bound to do the right amount of damage sooner or later right?
I know who you are okay.. it’s really quite obvious. You should have disguised it better if your aim was to fool me.
Nothing’s going to change though is it? Things are never going to be how they were are they?
So please.. just stop. Let me do what I think is right. Everyone else involved is doing their interpretation of what they think that is.. so just let me do mine.
No one’s going to lose. Even if I were to carry on being here I’d be the only one missing out, everyone else is getting what they want and what they asked for.
I’m the one that’s been destroyed by all of this.
Don’t make me live like that because I really don’t want to.
If it really can’t change then.. please, just stop. :’(